Zero to 60... Straight into a Brick Wall

Just a few weeks ago, the love of my life went from being an immortal robot of a human being that survives on burgers and Mtn Dew to a vulnerable, anemic mortal so quickly that it still is settling in.

It feels like just the other day when he felt like shit, but "we'll figure it out" or "it'll pass".  Today, after many appointments, biopsies, and multiple vials of blood taken from an already weakened shell we try to anchor on the results of "It's not cancer".  What we've slowly adapted to is the reluctant reflection of our Cancer-Free enthusiasm from Jay's doctors and nurses as they hesitantly pause and give us an awkward shrug of "well, that's true...".  

It was sometime after Jay's first appointment with his new doctor and BFF that we realized that this wasn't going away without a fight.. this is going to be for life.  (not the typical chronic he would like to have in his life).  It's taken some time for it to settle in that what we once thought would pass turned out to actually be a chronic autoimmune disease.  It wasn't bad lettuce (though I'm sure he wishes it really had been), it's just his a-hole immune system attacking his colon and everything he eats which, as we find, has no known cure and is very hard to figure out what he can or cannot eat.  

And here I sit, once wondering "how can I be invincible like you?" to now frantically pulling out the paperwork from the surgeon because I can't remember the name of his latest prescription and wondering if it is okay to cry.  Will my caretaker-self be stronger than my fear?

Flash Back to Day 3 Post-Diagnosis..  Jay rode out to meet me at the Trailhead where I coached and we rode home together through town catching up on our day.  

How are you feeling?

Are the meds helping yet?

Oh, so you have to go back to Target for the 4th day in a row for a new Rx they've called in due to another deficiency? Cool.  

Back at home, Jay dismissed himself from dinner to use the restroom.  Sometime later he called out "There's a poop in the bowl!".  As a tear rolled down my face, I felt my first flicker of hope.  I always joked with Jay that we worked together so well because I always think farts are funny... turns out they're also something to celebrate.

Learning how to say "ulcerative colitis" is my new normal.
Kristy Kreme

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