For over a decade, this blog has helped me relive some amazing accomplishments, celebrate dreams coming true, and express my gratitude for the life I had found. But for months now, I have realized that I had major writer's block that was causing this dark vortex to surround me and drag me to a very scary place. I let my self-doubt and procrastination take priority over the simple pleasure of my writing and it came back at me tenfold - by skipping that which brought me such joy for so long, I was missing a significant source to feed the spring and my well was running dry.
Maybe it was the sale of the cherished company I used to work for to one that I couldn't fall in line with and throw away my morals to work for. Maybe it was the realization that I was on the wrong career path. The stress of a new career and new company? Trying to make a name for myself in cycling after three years of off and on injuries.. only to also come back a few years older? The winter that refused to end? Maybe it isn't so hard to believe (er.. admit) that I was more depressed than I'd been in decades...
Sure, there were some awesome races, a handful of great finishes, wonderful memories shared with family in friends in the past months, but the shadows still lingered when I sat down to tell the latest adventure, blocking the stories from activating my fingertips. Although summer's intense arrival has lessened the sadness, the shadows still blur my thoughts at times and distort my story. I've experienced some amazing personal bests as of late yet the doubt whispers to me ... 'maybe it was a fluke' ... 'you can't do that again'....'maybe you shouldn't even try'....
It's one thing to ride the miles, lift the weights, stretch the muscles. But what do you do when your mind doesn't believe you can do it?
The only way I can imagine fighting it is to shine a light into the deep wound that refuses to heal up. Maybe by opening the door to the pain I've held so tightly, I can kick it out into the light and begin to move on.
It works on the Boogeyman, right?
I have a handful of friends and family who also struggle with their own darkness and depression and I hope they always know I'm here for you.
And to my husband, Jay, who I've just now realized loves me enough for the both of us... Thank You from the bottom of my heart. Your belief in me may not always chase away the tears, but your unending pursuit is the knight in shining armor this girl has dreamt of.
Sleeping with the lights on,