30 Days and Counting...

This isn't the full story. Not yet.  However, each time I have posted about this Sober journey, I have had a new friend reach out to me in confidence to share they've been considering the same path of an alcohol-free life.  So this one's for you... those who've reached out and to those that may be asking themselves the same questions that were bouncing around in my mind for so long.

Today marks 30 days with no alcohol and I honest to goodness, no joke, not joshing ya in any way, am the happiest, lightest, joy filled person that I can ever remember being.  During the first week of December, I told people my goal was to go 30 days and figure it out from there, but the response never truly felt authentic.  Deep down inside I knew the decision in my heart was final... I am going the distance and never want to go back.  Why?  Here are the highlights from the first 30 days on everything I've already gained and lost along the way.....

Hmmm, where should we start?  Gains? Or do we kick out the bad?

Here's what I have LOST in the last 30 days living alcohol free (some of which I previously had no idea was even related to my drinking life):

• Crippling self-loathing and depression
• Anxiety
• Indigestion and heartburn
• Night sweats
• 13 POUNDS & 4 inches around my waist
• Acne and redness of my face
• Heart palpitations
• Cravings
• Fatigue
• Laziness / avoiding to-do's
• Regret and inner battles
• Hangovers and headaches
• Not remembering the night before
• Feeling like a disappointment

And, if it's even possible for things to get BETTER than that list of shit being kicked out the door.... this is the list of all the things sobriety has given me in the last 30 days:

• Childlike joy
• Giggles (last night Jay & I giggled over 'back-scratchers for 5 min. before falling asleep)
• A quiet mind
• Deeper connection with my husband
• Energy
• Confidence
• More $$ in my bank account for BIKES! (seriously, 5 weeks w/o wine = new dropper post, people!)
• Better sex
• Making memories
• Being 100% present at holiday gatherings, with family and friends
• Improved sense of smell and taste
• More time in the day
• ALL THE FEELINGS
• Clean house
• Cheaper tab at dinner
• To-do lists DONE 
• Books read, journal pages filled, blogs written, laundry folded, dishes washed, true connections, easier decision making, being a happy sober cab, running doesn't actually suck all that bad....
• Feeling lighter... free
• Smiling so friggin' big and real 

I mean seriously look at this girl!.....

Looking over these lists, it reaffirms what joy fills my heart and there's no doubt that this is the lifestyle for me to reach my truest potential.  I'm on fire!  And, surprisingly, it was easy.   Albeit, this wasn't the first attempt but my goal is for it to be my last.  

I want to give an amazingly heart-felt virtual hug and high-five to Jay who has been here for every struggle, effort and stumble... I would not have made it here without your undying support and unconditional love.  To my family who have given me support, both open and silently in the background, you are so important to me. To my friends who have loved and supported me, I'll still need ya every step of the way.. and to the universe for flooding my vision with podcast links, blogs, books (thank you, Annie Grace!) and Insta-posts... it has all come together at exactly the right time!  

Curious for yourself?  DM me, pull me aside at a race or party, call/text me... I'm here for ya!  Below are some of the most awesome tools/links I've found most useful in these last 30 days in case they can help even just one person who may need them.  

"There's nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck-yeah" - Jen Sincero

Headin' into 2020 light a freight train...

Kristy Kreme

Books:

"This Naked Mind" book and Podcast - Annie Grace

- also has a 30-day Alcohol-Free Experiment

Podcasts:

"This Naked Mind"

"Recovery Happy Hour"

"Sober Girl Society"

"Seltzer Squad"

"Recovery Elevator"

Winter Solstice and the Chalice of Change

According to Forever Conscious, "The Winter Solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the Sun and is believed to hold a powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection."  Today also marks 21 days sober.

To back up a bit.. I joined some friends in participating in "Sober October" recently and made it maybe a total of 20 days before falling back into my regularly scheduled drinking program.  Quickly, I returned to my unhealthy love affair with wine and beer, slowly watching the positive affects of October melt away as the routine settled back in.... that's a suitcase to unpack on another day.  But something changed Thanksgiving weekend and I woke up on December 1st with no desire to drink alcohol.  It happened again on December 2nd and again on the 3rd, so I kept listening.

This morning, I woke with no hangover and have enjoyed my fresh-brewed coffee as I snuggle on the couch with my Start Today gratitude & goals journal and new read, "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. In the silence, I am sitting here bathing in the gratitude of enjoying another booze-filled holiday party with no desire to drink alcohol, for the physical changes in my mind and body, and mostly the most fulfilling joy and energy this new chapter of my life has been bringing me.

Don't get me wrong... the last 21 days were not my darkest.  On the contrary, they have been filled with peace & light and the utter confidence that I have chosen the right path.  I have had many of those dark days this year.  Ones where I felt down for the count and wasn't sure if I was even going to try to get back up again.  Nights where the every tear felt as though pieces of my soul were dying under the weight of my pain.  

Today, however, the word jumping off the pages and slapping me across the face as I look internally is CONFIDENCE.  As far back as I can remember, I used alcohol as a way to "fit in" with the crowd. Even when I was sober for 3 1/2 yrs in my early 20's, I would occasionally show up to a house party with a 6-pack of O'Douls and tear the labels off.  The sad reality that I see now is that it never gave me the confidence I sought, only a false sense of belonging.

But in the last 21 days, I have felt confidence pulse through me in warm, forceful ways.  I have walked out of meetings feeling like a #BOSS lately, enjoyed sincere conversations with friends at parties and remembered every minute of it, I have felt like a caring partner to my husband and a patient parent to my fur baby.  Comparing that to the last few years of my life filled with self-loathing where I spent each morning obsessing over what a loser I was, a disappointment, that I didn't belong and that everyone would someday leave me...

The contrast is staggering.

So, I will rinse out my chalice, wipe off the red-wine-stained rim, top it off with some chilled Fresca and step into this day with my own personal mic drop.  

Hoisting the Chalice of Fresca up high, 

Kristy Kreme

SSUSA 2019 Ch 4 - Rocky Hill Ranch, Race Day and Derbies

Saturday morning came early and the first hangover since Sober October was a gross reminder of how hangovers and race mornings don't mix...

or do they?

We loaded up the van and headed to Rocky Hill Ranch, a private mountain bike venue where our singlespeed buddies were all gathering to play bikes for the day.  We had checked out most of the trails the day prior and were excited for the race ahead of us.  Kitted up in our full THC* regalia, Coach, Hwood and I prepped the bikes and gathered with our friends in anticipation of the start.

Chewy lined us all up with the "In it to Win it" crew on the line, and the partiers filled in behind us.  Jay had an instinct that they were gonna pull a reversal on us so he grabbed me and Jay Drasher (our bud from PA and 2018 Men's SSUSA champ) and we headed to the back of the pack.  Just as they were about to start the race, Chewy had everyone turn their bikes around just as Hwood expected and told us to wait for the dinner bell to start.  

As they clanged away on the metal triangle, everyone stayed put with the exception of a handful of us that paid attention.  There I was, sittin' in 5th place behind Hwood, Jay D., and two other guys off the start!  I looked over my shoulder as we entered the single track and found that we were GONE!  The see of single speeders in various costumes and get-ups were a significant ways back amidst the dust and we were haulin'.  The nervous anxiety hummed in my legs as I tried to gather my wits and hold onto the wheel in front of me.  The twisty first mile or so gave us a glimpse on the single-file river of riders behind us and I knew we maintained the gap but not enough to settle in yet.

I had the perfect gear for the course and the knee pain from the crash earlier in the week was non-existant either by chance or by adrenaline... but I took it either way.  At the first beer stop, I still led the women and maintained a top 10 position.  The hangover had not ebbed and the smell of beer was nauseating, so I topped off my bottle with water and headed back onto the course.  When I got to the next checkpoint, I still didn't feel better but now a voice bellowed from the back of my mind.... "What if you just kept going as fast as you can?... What if you won?".... so I kept going, kept attacking myself in the woods, kept pedaling turn after flowy turn.

Mother Nature had her fun with us, dropping a thick blanket of pine needles so densely over the trail that it disappeared at times.  You couldn't turn off your mind and rely on Jedi forces to get you through the farthest depths of the trail because it would disappear before you knew it, forcing me to put a foot down and look around, searching for some sign of where to pick it back up.  The fear crept into me and the sound of my wheels crushing the needles tricked me into hearing things that weren't there.  So, I kept pedaling.

As I took my last turn out of the single track and back onto the dirt road to the finish, I looked over my shoulder once more in disbelief.  I charged the finished and threw up my arms in excitement as I finished in 1st for the women in the race, and top 10 overall.  I've tried so hard to win the race every year and finally pulled it off!  It was the most amazing finish not only of the race, but to my best mountain bike season ever... and my day was made.  Jay was there at the finish to celebrate with me and the tension ebbed from all the weeks leading up to that day.  Now it was time to relax... but not until after being awarded one badass Armadillo as a trophy for winning the race! 

The partying commenced, filled with all the single speed antics one would expect... beer, bikes, hosting competitions, and derbies.   Jay Drasher and I took one last photo as the 2018 Champs with our champion's belts before the final derbies began.   

Crazy thing was, this year I was not worried about winning it.. I had already accomplished a huge goal that day and was bathing in the glory of my new buddy, Arnie the Armadillo.  When I put my foot down in the women's derby, I was smiling as I excited and watched as the final women fought for the belt.

For the after party, we headed back into Smithville to watch the teams battle for next year's hosting rights. Hwood joined Chewy and Spinner for the play-by-play on the Burning Bike Podcast as the riffraff dropped quarters out of their butt cheeks into pint glasses on the ground... "Texas Butt Darts"... it was a friggin' laugh-riot! (listen starting at 36:00ish minutes into the podcast to enjoy the hilarity of it all).

Following that in the podcast, I was interviewed along with 2012 women's SSUSA Champ, Kerry W., as we bonded over single speeding and partying' on bikes after burying some hatchets out in the lawn and finally getting to know each other after 6 years of spinning in the same circles.  Needless to say, it was long past due.

The locals were a ton of fun and the band of misfits drank beer well into the night.  As the crowd thinned and the temps dropped we headed back to our Air BnB to wind down and welcome the next chapter of our trip.

For months, part of me worried about how this day was going to go... we had done so much to prepare and plan for this road trip and race and so much could have gone wrong.  Luckily, it turned out to be one hell of a party on bikes and I couldn't have been more elated with the outcome. We got to ride a lot of awesome new trails we would probably never ridden otherwise and we connected with our favorite single speeders from around the country. It was exactly what I'd hoped it would be!

Rollin' with my homies!

Kristy Kreme

SSUSA 2019 Ch. 3 - Old Friends & the Treehouse of Horror

Since 2013, we have been to every SSUSA (Single Speed USA) except for one.  What began as "let's go to our friends' race cuz we LOVE single speed mountain biking" turned into me being the 2013 women's Champion, making a bunch of awesome new friends, and created a new annual vacation for us to plan around.  In the last few years, we've planned days preceding and following the race into our vacation to give ourselves extra fun and more time together exploring new cities!

With the 2019 race being in Smithville, TX, just 45 minutes away from Austin .. a city we've heard tons about and had never been to, we added in some additional time to see the city and catch up with old friends. What better day to play in Austin and figure out the joy behind the credo of "Keep Austin Weird" than taking it in on Halloween of all days?!

The four of us woke to the sunlight filtering into the barn windows and birds singing in the trees in the yard.  Jay and Coach loaded the bikes into our van and we headed out to Austin early to take in as much as we could.  I pulled up the Burning Bike Podcast's latest episode and plugged it into the van's aux jack so we could hear the recent interview Hollywood and I did with Spinner after Homie Fest to hear how our first podcast sounded (sponsored by One on One Bike Studio)....for a good laugh, stop now and take a listen!  [Men's 2019 Champ Jay Drasher is interviewed first, Hollywood & I start at 37:46 and it's all things Mpls, Homie Fest, single speeds, and trails in far places!]

Done?  F'yeah!  Hope you got a good laugh or two.  Back to the trip... Austin, TX... sunshine, tourists, Halloween, and making new friends!

We started out with brunch at a place called Forthright after a quick Google search and was blown away to have found the most amazingly delicious avocado toast I have ever had.  I could have eaten 10 lbs of it!  Fresh, homemade bread with perfectly ripened avocado mash, topped with pumpkin seeds and over-hard eggs and a touch of heat to make sure I chugged my water... OMG, if I ever go back to Austin, this better still be there!!!

Afterwards, we wandered through town, pointed towards Mellow Johnny's, taking in the costumed locals as they moved about... Penguin on an e-scooter, devils and kitties, oh wait... that's an average Thursday?  Anyway.. once in MJ's, we took in some of the memorabilia and debated over souvenir tees.

Next up, the Stevie Ray Vaughn Statue!  Thinking of our buddy Jay Drasher, we sunbathed like lizards at the statue as Jay streamed some SRV on this cell phone and we took out artsy shots.  I called buddy Jay and it turned out he'd just landed and parked his rental car just across the park from us so we lingered a lil longer for him to arrive and catch up briefly before moving on for an afternoon ride.

   

Jay, Coach and I headed out to one of the Barton Creek Greenbelt trailheads for a lil afternoon ride while Mary enjoyed her book in the sun.  With a still stiff left knee and starting our ride in a black diamond section of the trail, the first half of our ride was slow and included a lot of walking.  By the second half, we found ourselves on more flowy trails and enjoyed the warm fall Texas day, killing time and burning off energy before we were to meet a friend of Jay's for a late lunch/early dinner.

Jim, who Jay hadn't seen for 15 years and I had never met, asked us to meet him at El Alma for some recommended Mexican cuisine.  It was such a joy to meet Jim and hear them reminisce on their bike and life adventures of years ago, sometimes hearing a story from a new perspective then Jay had previously shared.  Top that off with AMAZING food (get the Queso Fundido!!!), tasty local beers and the warm, southern atmosphere topped off the afternoon.

But the best Halloween fun was yet to come....

With the reunion FAR from over, Jim invited to take us out for drinks after dinner.  He hopped in the van as I rode the cooler like a jump seat in the back and he navigated us to a fun local hang called Nickel City. And what could be cooler than a rad local bar in Austin on Halloween for a 80's baby ???

How 'bout one that literally converted the ENTIRE PLACE into Moe's Tavern, straight outta The Simpsons!!!!!!!  Being a gal that has watched the Simpsons since the debut in 1989, memorized every word of every song and soundbite on the original cassette "The Simpsons Sing the Blues", I was a touristy child drooling over all the visual fun, the costumes of characters I love and some I'd forgotten, and my wonderful friends that let me just run amok and take all the pics!

  

If I had only known, I would have planned for weeks on the perfect costume... but the true bliss of it all was the utter shock and amazement that followed a simple step through their doors.  Satiated and in awe, we called it a night as the party grew and the line outside began to wrap around, dropping Jim off at home to meet his doggo's before returning to Smithville for another restful night in anticipation of more fun to come.

Enjoying Austin's Weird,
Kristy Kreme

SSUSA 2019 Ch. 2 - Smithville and the Red Rooster Barn

Thirty-some hours into our road trip for this year's edition of SSUSA we have arrived at our AirBnB in Smithville, TX, "The Red Rooster Barn".  Jay has been sleeping for hours after a filling lunch at El Mexicano Grill as I listen to the rain on the barn roof and "Tennessee Whiskey" echoes warmly out of the tin mug I've turned into a wireless speaker.  It's been raining ever since we finished our ride in Bentonville yesterday around lunch time but I've relished the excuse to rotate my knee through the four stages of RICE hell.



Hot water with Emergen-C warms me from the inside as I actually sit here and relax in the simplicity of this place and the knowing that the upcoming shenanigans will take over sooner than we think.  But for now, this quiet lil barn is our peaceful home away from home.

    

  
Smithville, home of the Sandra Bullock film "Hope Floats", is a cute little town bursting with Southern hospitality.  The main drag in town is ornate and we drove by as a film crew set up for a new Netflix show we heard whisperings of.  We met Coach and Mary at Honey's Pizza for dinner once they rolled into town and feasted on wine and Italian goodness.  Game 7 of the World Series was on the TV over the bar and we enjoyed cheering with the locals that filled the tables around us.

The decor reminded me of home and the kindness of our company was the perfect way to wrap up a rainy day behind the windshield.  The true creme de la creme, though, was the friggin' dessert!!!!  As the restaurant doors locked and the game sadly ended in NY's favor, our server asked if we wanted cinnamon rolls for dessert.  Usually, I only think of cinnamon rolls for breakfast, but hell if I'm not so grateful that we said 'yes'.

What came out was three amazingly fresh cinnamon rolls cooked in a wood-fired pizza oven in an iron skillet (but only one survived long enough for me to get out the phone and take a pic).  The rolls had been topped with olive oil and some amazing secrets that surrounded them in a pool of melted goodness.  We devoured every single morsel of them before the skillet could cool and I watched as Jay tried to channel Superman's powers and cool the skillet so he could drink up the last of the magic.

 

 After dinner, we brought them back to the barn to wind down the night and catch up on the stories of the road. 

Ready for rest,
Kristy Kreme

Coughs, Codeine, and Not-So-Soft Landings *SSUSA 2019 - Ch. 1*

We left Minneapolis last Monday night at 7:00pm as the radio reported on snow falling in southern MN and throughout Iowa.  Although the morning started with me at the office Dr's clinic with a cough that had kept both of us awake for the last few nights, we still loaded up the van with a bag full of codeine, Mucinex, cough drops, tissues and a crap load of positive thoughts.  Add to that three bikes, a bin full of snacks, riding gear for all weather, and one bitching ass Champions Belt...  Texas here we come!

  

We drove through the night on a mission set on breakfast and ridin' dirt with Coach and Mary in Bentonville, AR by 8:00am Tuesday.  Jay did almost ALL of the driving with his amazing night driving superpowers as I faded in and out of a codeine-fueled slumber.   [Nothing beats opioid warning labels to scare you back into #SoberOctober after Homie Fest, just sayin']

After a couple stops in the dimly lit outer rims of roadside gas stations to both sleep and burn some time as we stayed ahead of schedule, we found ourselves bellied up in a booth at the Village Inn in Bentonville, AR.  Coffee, eggs, and a strawberry crepe later we were off to meet Coach and Mary at the Southern Trailhead of the Coler Trails in town.

The sky was grey and the cool air was full of moisture after multiple rainy days preceded our arrival.  I should have taken heed when I saw this as we entered the trails...


Within a minute, I lost my front wheel as I exited a slick wooden bridge smattered with wet leaves that broke loose as I leaned in for the upcoming turn, crashing full speed and with all of my weight into the unforgiving surface of the stoney ground all on my left kneed camp.  It instantly sucked all of the air from my chest and I struggled to get out of my pedals with my bike on top of me.  I writhed in pain on the muddy trail as I made every effort to slow my breathing while dry-heaving over the creek below.



After a few minutes (Garmin says it was 7 min), Jay helped me up and I walked along the trail in an attempt to 'limp it off'.  I finished out the next 7.5 miles jostling between pure admiration of the nature surrounding us to the searing pain in my left knee every time I stomped down on a climb or riding a goofy-footed ready position.  The rocky trail was slow and slippery, but the pace and pausing a few times along the ride were quite peaceful and pretty.

{turn on audio!}

... the hauntingly beautiful song that emitted from the bridge was captivating for so many of my senses.  My knee ached and the cold cut straight to my core, but the sounds flooded me with a flood of peace.

Enchanted, I reluctantly left the bridge as the rain started back up and we loaded up the muddy steeds to find a tasty, warm lunch in the lil town square where the original five n dime still stood.  In a mild food coma, we left the cozy Italian restaurant, Tavola Trattoria, said "see ya later" to our friends and headed south again, Dallas-bound, as I searched Hotwire for a steal of a deal on a 4-star hotel on a quiet Tuesday night.

We pulled into town and found the Velvet Taco, a counter-service taco joint with an upscale twist on the street taco.  After dinner, we retreated to an amazing deal on a suite at the Wyndham where we snuggled on the couch for Game 6 of the World Series as I iced my knee.  Thank heavens for the king size bed to keep me from bumping my knee into Jay during the night!

We were back on the road by 9:00 am to finish the sub 4 hour drive to our final destination of Smithville, TX just outside of Austin.  We stopped in Carls Corner for gas and coffee where I wandered around the store gathering dorky souvenirs and Jay awkwardly waited for the Dunkin Donuts gals making the breakfast sandwiches to figure out how to make each one... she asked the cashier for step my step ingredients for each one she made (even if she was making a repeat of the previous order), as she lazily grazed from the ingredient bins, popping them in her mouth as if she were just making breakfast at home.  :oP

Bewildered, we grabbed our coffee and his breakfast and returned to the road.  We saw a longhorn steer somewhere outside of Waco but nothing I'd seen yet has made me think "they're right, everything IS bigger in Texas".  But then again, the adventure is just beginning....

Limpin' in TX,
Kristy Kreme

It's about which direction you look...

Last week put me through the ringer and left me feeling lost as I tried to embrace the weekend.  Stress at work twisted my brain into knots and I took every action I could to ward off another weekend of migraines, nausea and fatigue.  Then a ghost from Kristy's past surfaced before our Friday night ride, bringing back harsh memories of days when I let people walk all over me.  I shook the whispers that bounced between my ears by tearing it up on my new Specialized Crux CX bike with Jay, Peterson, and Zack down by Fort Snelling before we headed to dinner that evening.

Back at home with doggo at my feet and merlot in my paw, Jay and I settled in on the couch and tuned into a podcast I found that two of our friends put on to help promote, hype, and corral all the single speed miscreants for this year's edition of SSUSA.  The guest interviewed was 2012 W's Champ Kerry W. who made it quickly apparent through the fast termination of any discussion of my current responsibility over the Champion's Belt that dark waters ran deep within her in relation to me.  It was funny at first, but the vehemence behind her sharp words soon got to me and I turned it off 1/2 way through.  The same dark wave washed over me... I was warmed by the kind things my friends would say about me early in the podcast, but shocked at the way each statement was so violently shut down.

The murky waters lingered come morning as I tried to prepare for our local CX race.  I know I beat her for the belt in 2013 and have seen her at a few events since, but I had no idea what created such depth of hatred to fester.  Jay tried to talk me out of my sullen mood and, when he left to grab breakfast, I knew I had to change the direction I was letting my mind go and look for the better path.  I plugged in my headphones and turned on my race playlist... first up "How You Like Me Now?" by The Heavy.  I put on mascara (cuz I have blonde eye lashes and never leave home without it), packed my bags, and readied myself to push that new bike to every limit I could find.

It's odd and something I am grateful for every time it happens... but sometimes the universe reaches out and turns your head in the right direction... that's if you're willing to look there.

We got to The Loppet Trailhead for the open pre-ride, kitted up in my pink camo Podiumwear skin suit, pink helmet, pink shoes, and hot f'in pink Crux ready to see what we had in store. Jay and I tore through three super fast and fun laps to check out the course and I was confident that today was going to be a good day.  I laid my bike against a wall to collect my thoughts and plan for the next hour and a half before my race, standing on the back patio of the chalet.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye a young boy in blue (maybe 5 years old) slowly walking towards me who slowed as he neared, making eye contact with an inquisitive look on his face.  I squatted down to his eye level and asked how he was doing.  "I'm going to cheer for you today!  I want you to win because that's my sister's favorite color!".  I'd never met the boy, the family didn't have anyone in the race; they only came to check it all out.  His younger sister approached in an Elsa dress, holding a pink cycling water bottle that matched mine.  I thanked him for his kindness and grabbed my bike in which he responded "Your bike is pink, too?! You ARE going to win!".  I thanked him again and returned to my pre-race preparations.

At race time, I rolled back up to the Chalet to see my new favorite family leaving and I stopped to tell them how much my day was truly brightened thanks to meeting them.  The young boy came back to me and held out his small pinky.. "I pinky swear you are going to win today".  I twisted my pinky with his and said "I'm definitely winning today, thanks to you!".  

When it came to the race, I felt amazing.  I have learned so much this year that I am proud to say I am a more technical rider than I have ever been.  Me and the Crux (aka "Lightning") were flying through the twists and turns, catching air and holding a great position in 4th place lap after lap.  It was a feverous rush in my veins to be flying through the course after battling injuries in the last few years, feeling as if I'm finally on my path back.  And when I burped my tubeless front tire on a rock midway through the race, my friend Charlie who was in the pit for Megan, kindly put air back in my tire as I took my single speed out for a hot lap to retain my position until I could return to the pit for Lightning again.

Photo: Carlos Sabillón

I didn't win the race but I held my 4th place position for the entire race in a field of some awesomely talented women!  Sharing great conversation with the gals in my field was the perfect way to wrap up the day before loading up the bikes and heading back home with an exhausted body and cleansed soul.

I made a choice that day... I could have stared down the dark hallway in anguish and loathing, or could turn my back and walk into the light and choose to live my joy, share encouragement with others, and high five new friends.  I hope others know that, too.. sometimes you just have to choose to look in the other direction to find the life that's inviting you to live it.

Focused on the light,
Kristy Kreme


PSS... What else is on my playlist?
"Bleed it Out" - Linkin Park
"Bad Girls" - M.I.A.
"Happy Go Sucky Fucky" - Die Antwoord   \m/

For the Love of Mountain Biking

There's an interesting moment that settles in on Sunday nights after a race weekend that I've become accustomed to...  what did the weekend's adventures do to influence tomorrow's wardrobe?  After the Cuyuna Crusher in Ironton, MN this weekend, the answer was it's own unique combination.

The bee sting I suffered on my left bicep 3 miles into my race on Sunday left a heart-shaped welt that still throbs and itches to this moment... sleeveless blouse, it was.  Oh yeah, and pack the Benadryl.   The poison ivy on my knee kept me from shaving my legs for fear of spreading the infection so a couple strategically placed Wonder Woman band-aides to cover the calamine lotion and stretchy work pants paired nicely with my top.  Complete with tennis shoes to accommodate tired legs... Monday's workwear was complete!

But that's only one of the odd reminders of how much I love mountain biking.

Jay and I headed up to #ShredTheRed on Saturday morning with our race bikes and a bitchin' Yeti SB100 demo bike from One On One Bike Studio to play and get ready for Sunday's race.  The only bummer was the migraine that settled in as I kitted up for the ride, swallowing a handful of Exedrine and Advil as the blind spots in my right eye made it hard to unpack my gear but I tried to press on.  We headed out with P-Max and I tried to keep up as I begged the adrenaline to chase away the pain.  The kaleidoscope halo's in my vision slowly crept to the sides and the meds kept the pain at bay but did nothing for the migraine fatigue.  Jay and Peter were so kind to wait for me when I faltered and follow me at times so I could push my pace. Me and the Yeti played hard and I had a blast flying through the trail in new ways I'd never done before although every climb zapped my energy more than it should have.

After the ride, we grabbed some food and made our way to the top of True North Base Camp where Bruce offered us a spot to camp with him on top of the world.  Jay, Rosco and I wandered to a shady spot with a breathtaking lookout and I stood silently as the winds whipped up the side of the bluff and cascaded around us in a crescendo of cotton and birch leaves.  It's these moments of still silence that remind me the true depth of calm I find in nature and can sit with peacefully for time unknown.

The evening came and went with new friends, laughter, fires, and a lightning show off in the distance.  We all retreated to bed early due to the impending rain and slumbered lightly when it came in gently as a constant shower to lull us back to sleep.  It was the morning, however, that woke me but I chose not to fall back to sleep.

Chasing the storm was a strong wind which crashed like waves all around us.  It reminded me of the ocean in Mexico, breaking along the shore as I listened with eyes half-closed and soaked in the amazing strength of the sound.  I did everything I could to stay awake and memorize it.

It wasn't long until everyone was awake and headed toward the race.  The next few hours passed in a slight blur as they usually do and then we found ourselves lining up, ready for the start.  It was amazing to be the first woman called up once again, leading the series into the 7th race as the series nears the end.  The migraine hangover lingered so I dropped a few ibuprofen before the race and wore my darkest sunglasses to try to combat the light sensitivity that hung on.

Climbing up the start road made it obvious that I was going to have to fight for every inch as I watched rider after rider pass me and ride away.  I tired to keep it out of my head and press on, celebrating once I crested the top and started the rippin' decent back down to the start/finish to begin our first full lap.  Somewhere before we hit Roly Poly, I was stung in the bicep on my left arm, flailing awkwardly as I swatted away the aggressive bee, then blindly trying to work the stinger out of my arm as I descended with one hand on the bars.  Every time I flexed it was like lightning, so I kept working on it until I felt relief.

I was sitting in 11th place when I came through to start our first lap and settled in to do whatever damage I could in the 21 miles to go.  I fought hard, practiced everything I taught and learned this summer to the nth degree, and chased down rider after rider until I found myself in 6th.  In the final lap, I could see 5th at times some 15-30 seconds ahead of me, but she was a stronger climber than I was and rode away from me in the critical moments.  I rode as hard as I could all the way to the finish and collapsed exhausted in 6th with pride yet fought back tears as my resolve melted away.

Although I severely wanted a top 5 finish, 6th place still moved me farther into 1st place and I couldn't be happier.  I set out this year to finish top 5 overall, so this was the most amazing result to end my mountain bike season with!  Sure, I still have one MAJOR FUCKING SHOW to get to in Austin this year, but the lessons I learned this year will make it a whole other experience.  Me and the ole LaMere hard tail are gonna #SendIt!

I try to explain it at times... there's something about mountain bike racing that fulfills me no matter what place I'm in (yet sometimes I feel like I let myself down, yes)... but most of the time, if I'm off learning to hit something I was once afraid of, pumping through a rhythm section, catching air or just doing something for the first time, I can't deny the pure joy of it all.  It fills my chest with light and makes me feel alive!

Lovin' this dirt under my nails,
Kristy Kreme

Zero to 60... Straight into a Brick Wall

Just a few weeks ago, the love of my life went from being an immortal robot of a human being that survives on burgers and Mtn Dew to a vulnerable, anemic mortal so quickly that it still is settling in.

It feels like just the other day when he felt like shit, but "we'll figure it out" or "it'll pass".  Today, after many appointments, biopsies, and multiple vials of blood taken from an already weakened shell we try to anchor on the results of "It's not cancer".  What we've slowly adapted to is the reluctant reflection of our Cancer-Free enthusiasm from Jay's doctors and nurses as they hesitantly pause and give us an awkward shrug of "well, that's true...".  

It was sometime after Jay's first appointment with his new doctor and BFF that we realized that this wasn't going away without a fight.. this is going to be for life.  (not the typical chronic he would like to have in his life).  It's taken some time for it to settle in that what we once thought would pass turned out to actually be a chronic autoimmune disease.  It wasn't bad lettuce (though I'm sure he wishes it really had been), it's just his a-hole immune system attacking his colon and everything he eats which, as we find, has no known cure and is very hard to figure out what he can or cannot eat.  

And here I sit, once wondering "how can I be invincible like you?" to now frantically pulling out the paperwork from the surgeon because I can't remember the name of his latest prescription and wondering if it is okay to cry.  Will my caretaker-self be stronger than my fear?

Flash Back to Day 3 Post-Diagnosis..  Jay rode out to meet me at the Trailhead where I coached and we rode home together through town catching up on our day.  

How are you feeling?

Are the meds helping yet?

Oh, so you have to go back to Target for the 4th day in a row for a new Rx they've called in due to another deficiency? Cool.  

Back at home, Jay dismissed himself from dinner to use the restroom.  Sometime later he called out "There's a poop in the bowl!".  As a tear rolled down my face, I felt my first flicker of hope.  I always joked with Jay that we worked together so well because I always think farts are funny... turns out they're also something to celebrate.

Learning how to say "ulcerative colitis" is my new normal.
Kristy Kreme

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