30 Days and Counting...

This isn't the full story. Not yet.  However, each time I have posted about this Sober journey, I have had a new friend reach out to me in confidence to share they've been considering the same path of an alcohol-free life.  So this one's for you... those who've reached out and to those that may be asking themselves the same questions that were bouncing around in my mind for so long.

Today marks 30 days with no alcohol and I honest to goodness, no joke, not joshing ya in any way, am the happiest, lightest, joy filled person that I can ever remember being.  During the first week of December, I told people my goal was to go 30 days and figure it out from there, but the response never truly felt authentic.  Deep down inside I knew the decision in my heart was final... I am going the distance and never want to go back.  Why?  Here are the highlights from the first 30 days on everything I've already gained and lost along the way.....

Hmmm, where should we start?  Gains? Or do we kick out the bad?

Here's what I have LOST in the last 30 days living alcohol free (some of which I previously had no idea was even related to my drinking life):

• Crippling self-loathing and depression
• Anxiety
• Indigestion and heartburn
• Night sweats
• 13 POUNDS & 4 inches around my waist
• Acne and redness of my face
• Heart palpitations
• Cravings
• Fatigue
• Laziness / avoiding to-do's
• Regret and inner battles
• Hangovers and headaches
• Not remembering the night before
• Feeling like a disappointment

And, if it's even possible for things to get BETTER than that list of shit being kicked out the door.... this is the list of all the things sobriety has given me in the last 30 days:

• Childlike joy
• Giggles (last night Jay & I giggled over 'back-scratchers for 5 min. before falling asleep)
• A quiet mind
• Deeper connection with my husband
• Energy
• Confidence
• More $$ in my bank account for BIKES! (seriously, 5 weeks w/o wine = new dropper post, people!)
• Better sex
• Making memories
• Being 100% present at holiday gatherings, with family and friends
• Improved sense of smell and taste
• More time in the day
• ALL THE FEELINGS
• Clean house
• Cheaper tab at dinner
• To-do lists DONE 
• Books read, journal pages filled, blogs written, laundry folded, dishes washed, true connections, easier decision making, being a happy sober cab, running doesn't actually suck all that bad....
• Feeling lighter... free
• Smiling so friggin' big and real 

I mean seriously look at this girl!.....

Looking over these lists, it reaffirms what joy fills my heart and there's no doubt that this is the lifestyle for me to reach my truest potential.  I'm on fire!  And, surprisingly, it was easy.   Albeit, this wasn't the first attempt but my goal is for it to be my last.  

I want to give an amazingly heart-felt virtual hug and high-five to Jay who has been here for every struggle, effort and stumble... I would not have made it here without your undying support and unconditional love.  To my family who have given me support, both open and silently in the background, you are so important to me. To my friends who have loved and supported me, I'll still need ya every step of the way.. and to the universe for flooding my vision with podcast links, blogs, books (thank you, Annie Grace!) and Insta-posts... it has all come together at exactly the right time!  

Curious for yourself?  DM me, pull me aside at a race or party, call/text me... I'm here for ya!  Below are some of the most awesome tools/links I've found most useful in these last 30 days in case they can help even just one person who may need them.  

"There's nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck-yeah" - Jen Sincero

Headin' into 2020 light a freight train...

Kristy Kreme

Books:

"This Naked Mind" book and Podcast - Annie Grace

- also has a 30-day Alcohol-Free Experiment

Podcasts:

"This Naked Mind"

"Recovery Happy Hour"

"Sober Girl Society"

"Seltzer Squad"

"Recovery Elevator"

Winter Solstice and the Chalice of Change

According to Forever Conscious, "The Winter Solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the Sun and is believed to hold a powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection."  Today also marks 21 days sober.

To back up a bit.. I joined some friends in participating in "Sober October" recently and made it maybe a total of 20 days before falling back into my regularly scheduled drinking program.  Quickly, I returned to my unhealthy love affair with wine and beer, slowly watching the positive affects of October melt away as the routine settled back in.... that's a suitcase to unpack on another day.  But something changed Thanksgiving weekend and I woke up on December 1st with no desire to drink alcohol.  It happened again on December 2nd and again on the 3rd, so I kept listening.

This morning, I woke with no hangover and have enjoyed my fresh-brewed coffee as I snuggle on the couch with my Start Today gratitude & goals journal and new read, "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. In the silence, I am sitting here bathing in the gratitude of enjoying another booze-filled holiday party with no desire to drink alcohol, for the physical changes in my mind and body, and mostly the most fulfilling joy and energy this new chapter of my life has been bringing me.

Don't get me wrong... the last 21 days were not my darkest.  On the contrary, they have been filled with peace & light and the utter confidence that I have chosen the right path.  I have had many of those dark days this year.  Ones where I felt down for the count and wasn't sure if I was even going to try to get back up again.  Nights where the every tear felt as though pieces of my soul were dying under the weight of my pain.  

Today, however, the word jumping off the pages and slapping me across the face as I look internally is CONFIDENCE.  As far back as I can remember, I used alcohol as a way to "fit in" with the crowd. Even when I was sober for 3 1/2 yrs in my early 20's, I would occasionally show up to a house party with a 6-pack of O'Douls and tear the labels off.  The sad reality that I see now is that it never gave me the confidence I sought, only a false sense of belonging.

But in the last 21 days, I have felt confidence pulse through me in warm, forceful ways.  I have walked out of meetings feeling like a #BOSS lately, enjoyed sincere conversations with friends at parties and remembered every minute of it, I have felt like a caring partner to my husband and a patient parent to my fur baby.  Comparing that to the last few years of my life filled with self-loathing where I spent each morning obsessing over what a loser I was, a disappointment, that I didn't belong and that everyone would someday leave me...

The contrast is staggering.

So, I will rinse out my chalice, wipe off the red-wine-stained rim, top it off with some chilled Fresca and step into this day with my own personal mic drop.  

Hoisting the Chalice of Fresca up high, 

Kristy Kreme