Taxiing along the runway in Cleveland, heading for MN by way of Chicago, in the smallest plane I’ve ever been in to end 4 days working a tradeshow hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d been home sick all week, but the accumulation of insomnia and missing my husband rolled like thunder in my chest as we prepared for take-off. Lucky for me, it was so small, there was only one-seat wide on the left side of the plane, so I was solo in my sorrow as both the window and the aisle seat. I gazed out the window over the wing to hide the tears that fell down my cheeks in slow motion.
It had only been four days. But it felt as though I’ve been living someone else’s life, longing to return to my own. I cried a little more as I fantasized about seeing Jay that night as Bob Dylan filled my ears ….
“I should have left this town this morning, but it was more than I could do.
Ah your love comes on so strong, and I’ve waited all day long
For tonight I’ll be staying here with you”
Staring at the rainbow sky that prepared for the pending shadows of twilight was a quiet relief as I silent-cried out my window, thinking of running across the room for a tearful embrace.
Its these echoes of myself that I filed away as I tried to conduct business all week but, in secret, screamed loudly as I contemplated what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. It’s not the typical story I tell, but the time alone, quietly in conference with myself and my heart, truly made me reflect on what happiness is to me… and where I wish the next adventure would take me.
…. I want to be home.
As turbulent air disturbed the mundane vibrations of the plane, I thought about our wedding vows, and I’ve never felt more passionate about them…
“I promise to always come home to you, and to always be there when you come home”
Once on the ground in MN, I sped to the taxi booth to hail a cab downtown. The driver couldn't have gone fast enough to ease my unrest, and I was quick to jump out in a small parking lot once we made it within a block of the cycling year end party that I had missed. Scantily-clad women climbed out of cars by the handful, barely dress for a MN winter, but who was I to care.. I was here. My roller bag echoed through the alley behind One on One and familiar signs of life meant there was still people here.
Mojo was first to greet me and let me into the rented space and I quickly found a welcome embrace with Kadence. Friendly faces still lingered in the room, but the party was clearly over. My heart exploded when I saw the smile on Jay's face as he quickly bounded over to me, kissing me on the dark stairs and refusing to let me go.
It was everything I needed.
Kind hugs and high-fives quickly followed as I greeted my friends and listened to stories of the party missed. By midnight, we were on our way home and ready to snuggle on the couch with the puppy. It was the perfect ending to a long week and a great reminder of the amazing life that I have, always here ready to welcome me home.
It has come to my realization that, during times of prolonged stress, I put aside the things that bring me joy.. riding, creating, writing.. But, in truth, those are the things I should make more space for when I'm struggling to smile. We should spend MORE time in with these things to remind ourselves that the struggle, stress, and depression are just a small part of the world we live in. So, with that in mind, I'm challenging myself to make that time for myself to do that which I love.
With that being said, I've finally carved out these moments to tell the story of my Psycho. From dream to reality...
In June of last year, I heard the song "Psycho" by Muse on the radio and was instantly obsessed. My first thought was "I will create a pole routine to this!". Shortly after, I received an invite to perform on stage with the first ever Dolls on Parade at Mill City Nights in Downtown Mpls. A paid gig! Are you shitting me? Of course, I screamed YES and began the preparation.
As part of my process, I printed off the lyrics and began scribbling down my ideas. What tricks do I love? Which ones am I close to getting, want to learn, fit the part, match the lyrics? Pages and pages of scribbles, costumes and make-up saved on Pinterest, scouring YouTube videos for inspiration from other pole, ballet, and contemporary dancers. Lucky for me, my dear friend Freaky is an AMAZING musician and tech genius and helped me cut the 5 minute song to just the length I needed (plus helped me cut all the 'fucks' out per comp guidelines)!
Come December, I began working on my choreography, training with the amazing Jamie Wagner and Abbey Eff.. two of my biggest inspirations and two amazing coaches I'm blessed to train with. When it was finally time for the February 2016 show, I was nervous, excited, and so stoked to show an audience of 400+ what I'd created.
It was the most fearful I've been on stage yet. Lucky for me, my straight jacket-wearing lil Psycho was twitchy and weird, so the hand tremors were lost in the dimly lit stage. I hit all my tricks and musical cues. I creeped a few people out as I crawled to the edge of the stage as the music waned. It was a success!
My body, all bruised and sore from months of training, needed a brief break following the show, but I wasn't worried since we still had months before competition.
After a couple weeks, I was back in the studio, working on fine tuning the Psycho I'd created. She never had a name, but she was never innocent. The story, stuck in a psych ward, shackled in a straight jacket, she fought off the memories of the monster that created the killer she was. Until she broke free...
Before we made it to competition at the Central Pole Championships in Chicago over Memorial Day weekend, we held three shows at our studio to prep the team for the stage. In each show, I forced myself to try something new. A new facial expression, hand movement or twitch of the foot. Each show was different, but all amazing in their own right. I was enjoying each moment of sharing my Psycho with the crowd, playing to the beat, PERFORMING. It was exhilarating!
One of the greatest things that came from the Showcase performances was the feedback I received from our mock judges and my friends who came out to support us. The biggest feedback I received was the power of my character, but most got a feeling of a zombie or a vampire... not at all who I intended her to be. Looking at the photos, I see what they saw.
So, with just weeks to go and my routine done, I switch to three weeks straight of character practise. I would sit for an hour with my headphones in, the song blasting in my ears, staring at myself in the mirror and make faces to each moment or lyric. I watched The Shining, studied Heath Ledger in Batman - Dark Knight.. I practiced my facial expressions in the car (probably creating utter fear in the drivers near me).. all in an attempt to recreate her before the big day.
Then, finally, it was here: CPC 2016. But for some reason, I still wanted more. The night before comp began, Jay, Doreen, Itly and I went to dinner and talked about the competition to come. Something Jay said to Itly (a first-timer) struck me.. "the audience isn't listening to each word of the song to see how you translate it"... and there it was. There was one part of my routine that just didn't feel 100% natural to me because I was trying so hard to interpret the lyrics. It was then that I decided that, during my performance, I was going to do something I am terrified to do even when alone... I was going to freestyle.
Sunday morning came fast, but I was calm as I ratted my hair beyond repair and blacked out my eyes. Everything was packed, my headphones were on, and I said my goodbyes to Jay as I rode my bike from the hotel to the theater where I was set to perform. "Don't change anything" he said.. I didn't listen.
Once I stepped behind the curtain a handful of minutes before performing, I caked myself in grip aide in some desperate attempt to stop sweating. But I was ready. I knew in my heart this was the last time me and my Psycho would come out to play. The field of women I was competing against was fierce, and I just wanted to entertain the audience if nothing else. I knew they were talented and strong, so I resolved myself to have the most fun I possibly could have on stage. After eight months of planning for the 4 minutes I'd have on stage, I knew that if I achieved that goal of having the best time ever, it didn't matter where I placed.
Here's the performance:
I did it... I had the most fun I'd ever had on stage! I played, I freestyled, I made all my faces and creepy hands I'd practiced. I'd crushed my goal and couldn't have been happier!
Afterwards, we headed straight for food. Starving and exhausted, we saddled up at a local restaurant with Jay, my coach Jamie, and teammates Doreen and Margie. Sometime during the meal, Jamie leaned over and asked if I wanted to know my results. I really didn't. But, judging by the twinkle in her eye, I knew I had to look at the picture that lingered on the screen of her phone.
2nd place! 2nd place in the Senior Level 3 division! What the? How the? I cried immediately... Yes, I cried.. but after 8 months and endless hours of preparation to achieve something you believed impossible, I didn't have any strength left to pretend it wasn't the greatest news I could have received. Part of me was sad for it to be all over (and kinda hard to stop the facial expressions for a few weeks), but the other part of me was just so overjoyed with what I accomplished against my own doubts, the great performances by my entire team (who friggin dominated the stage!), not to mention all the fun that was had.
Of course, the greatest joy at looking back at this journey is holding my pride in myself close to heart as well as the gratitude for everyone who helped me get there. My Dad and step mom, who came to see me perform for the first time during this prep - your support means more than you will ever know. My mom, who cheered me on and spent her time caring for our lil fur baby as we ventured off to Chicago - thank you for being such a huge fan and super fur-grammy! My team for helping provide feedback as I created my Psycho.. I couldn't have done it without you! Abbey, for helping me explore my own weirdness, I will forever cherish all that you taught me and all the ways you inspire me! Jamie... don't ever leave me! You see right through my fears and hesitation and challenge me to be better. Thank you for everything.
And Jay, my sweet, never faltering, never wavering, supportive beyond all things husband.. your love is a constant shield trying to protect me from myself. Your hugs make all things better. And celebrating with you is the greatest joy in life!
So happy to have moments like these to reminisce on,
It's interesting where life will take you when you try new things. A year ago, I would have laughed in your face if you told me I'd compete in Pole Sport (aka pole dance in lay terms). Ha! But, as my adventures proved me wrong, I fell in love with pole and my competitive side couldn't say know to trying my first competition.
In May, I journeyed to Chicago with 17 other Dolls to take on our Central Region Pole Championships (CPC). Like bicycle racing, there are multiple levels, and I entered at Level 1 (beginner). The nerves were through the roof, but the experience was out of this world! Much to my surprise, I finished first in the Level 1 Seniors for the Championship category!
At the same time as we were preparing for this competition, my training and practice began preparing me for the next level. In the weeks following CPC, I had to make two decisions: 1) Do I go to Nationals in LA?, and 2) Do I level-up with my new found skills? Heck, WHY NOT?!
So, with just a couple months to prepare, I hit the studio hard with Coach Jamie and my teammate Emily to take my routine to the next level. I had to re-cut my music and make the song longer to fit Level 2, and I had to learn a whole lot of new tricks. But, moving to Level 2 meant I got to invert! Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh! We practiced up to six nights a week at the studio, often til 11:00pm or later, and my body took a toll.
With only 3 days til competition, I finally nailed all my tricks and I was ready for the next adventure. Jamie and her mom, Emily, and I headed out to LA to take on the stage and have a good time. When I got to the studio that morning, I knew this would be my last chance with this routine.. I focused on having as much fun as I could in the 3 minutes I had on stage, and meditated on becoming my character one last time.
As I moved across the stage, it was hard not to smile.. I knew I had to stay in character, but the energy coursing through my body was electric and I felt on top of the world! As I moved through my last tricks into my finale, my heart was bursting with joy, and I cried with pure happiness when I met Jamie off stage after my exit. I didn't care where I placed - I just knew I'd done the best I could have done. And, as it seems I don't know myself as well as I should, I was surprised yet again to find myself on the podium... 2nd place at Nationals!!!
Wow, it was so amazing, and I was overwhelmed with joy! So much so, it has taken me nearly 2 months just to write about it. But, once I received my video from Alloy Images, it brought that elation back in force! It has been so fun to relieve those short minutes of my life.. all the countless hours, bruises, and bottles of Dry Hands... all for 3 minutes to shine. I wouldn't have done it any other way.
Check it out!...
Next up, our student Halloween showcase "Dolls Must Die" next weekend, then "Dolls on Parade" in February.. I can't wait! And all of this fun, these dreams, this happiness would not have been possible without the unending love and support of my hubby Jay, the tough love and unbelievable talent in my Coach Jamie, the laughter and making up moves with Emily, my family and friends for coming to our shows and cheering me along this journey, and for Chloe and her amazing creation of Dollhouse Pole Dance Studio!
