When I first got sober in 2003, Social Distancing had an entirely different meaning. I was a 23 year old trying to find herself in a world she didn't understand, in skin she didn't love, trying to find a voice that wasn't just a whisper. When I got sober, I cut everyone out... my friends, my bookclub, my coworkers at happy hour. I didn't know how to continue my life the way it was without booze, so I just stopped doing everything. It was miserable. Each night at home was painstakingly long and agonizing, each weekend dull. That was then...
But not this time.
Day One of the "work from home" mandate from work due to the Coronavirus Pandemic was also Day 108 of my new life without alcohol. Although this first week of what people are softly calling a 'new normal' was awkward and confusing, it was welcomed with an open mind thanks to so much that I have already learned in my sobriety.
Some lessons are light and silly, like how I all of a sudden LOVE to wash the dishes and tidy up my kitchen. ??? What the....? Not sure why, but I do dishes almost every day and it brings me joy!
Reorganizing our condo feels like I'm nesting all over again.
Buying my first placemats for our new kitchen island was amazing and makes me smile!
Filling a candy jar of chocolates when it gets low feels like a mini expression of love.
Chatting with friends has held so much more meaning because I remember it all.
But the three most impactful lessons that fill my soul are these:
1. Quitting drinking saved me from killing myself
I quit drinking after years of battling depression, anxiety, and a painfully diminished self-worth. I was ashamed at myself for drinking two bottles of wine on the couch on a work night, only to hate the shit out of myself the next day until the time it meant I could return to the liquor store for more. Had I walked into this uncertain time of a global pandemic, economic distress, social distancing, and spending more time alone than I think I ever have, I think I could have easily drank myself to death or at least to a much darker place. I can only imagine how much Social Distancing would have compounded my anxiety and depression that was fueled by alcohol and by pairing that with less contact with people forcing me to buck up and be normal... I truly would have found the bottom everyone expects Sober people to have hit.
2. Self-care is extremely important
I have filled my hands with the inspiring words of Annie Grace, Holly Whitaker, Sarah Hepola, and Laura McKowen as I have waded through these early days of sobriety. One majorly recurring theme has been Self-care and going easy on yourself as you grow and develop as a sober person. It was the first lesson I anchored too and the one I held tightest to my heart. Exercise, sleeping in, painting my nails, taking a nap, reading, journalling, cooking, not cooking, staying home, getting out.... I've paid close attention to what my heart has said it has needed and followed it's recommendations closely. It has brought me to a better place of really knowing myself and what I need in a given moment, whether it be stress at work, tension at home, the anxiety of the unknown.
It is something we ALL need at this time. We need the focus to actually listen to ourselves and this social distancing gives us the space and time to take action on it. All you have to do is make the choice to do what you need for yourself. Bust out the nice glasses with dinner, use the good napkins, eat dessert, stretch your aching muscles, draw/sew/paint/create, pick up an old hobby again... just do something that is JUST FOR YOU! And next time your mind or your heart asks you to do something for yourself again.... DO IT! Find time every day to make yourself a priority because if you don't, you'll run yourself empty and it'll be impossible to keep caring for everyone else.
3. The Joy of Silence
When I was drinking, almost every hour of every day was filled with the constant barrage of self-hate and disappointment echoing within the confines of my mind. It was loud and disgusting, it was so violent I could feel it in my bones. And when I wasn't admonishing myself, I was planning out my next drink... Which liquor store should I go to next so they don't think I have a problem? What flavor should I buy? Can I start drinking now? How much did I drink last night? Did we have a fight? What happened last night?
Within 48 hours of quitting, the screaming ended. Just. Like. That. And where the shouting had been was filled with nothing but pure, undeniable Silence. And peace. There was absolutely nothing but the quiet breathing of Jay and Rosco when I woke in the morning for work, the sound of my foot pads walking through the condo in the dark, my slow breaths as I laid down at night. Not a whisper, not a single thing remained and it was so weird at first. For the first week I was doubtful, like I was waiting for my abuser to return but it didn't... because I didn't pick up another drink.
This quickly has become the best part of sobriety: Silence. Time alone is no longer filled with anxiety and disappointment. It has been replaced with the space to allow my mind to wonder, daydream, and explore. With the new addition of working from home and nearly eliminating my social life outside of the home, it prepared me for this time with myself. I've had now 112 days to practice being in peaceful silence with myself and find ways to simply enjoy the time, explore something new like learning coding, trying new workouts, and reorganizing my home.
Even if you are not sober, I hope you can find ways to fill your new time away from friends and family to take care of yourself and find that inner peace. Hopefully we all can so that we can come out of this with a new perspective on how to care for ourselves and of what truly is important and valued in life.
May you find a way to make the most of every day. Me, I'll be working on making my past self jealous!
Wishing you peace and good health,
Kristy Kreme
2 comments:
Thank you for sharing - so happy for you. You deserve the silence.
i’m not trying to dwell on this, but it’s something that creeps into my brain every so often; ‘mid-january’ 2019, i got drunk on a friday night and the next day, i decided to stop drinking. i don’t know the date and therefore i don’t know how many days it’s been since my last drink. there is still booze and beer in the house almost as a constant tempting reminder to not drink it. i see the the last 500ml can of delirium of that 4 pack from that friday night, every day as it’s still in the door of the frig next to the orange juice. does this make my sobriety any less than those of you who know that exact date!? or does this mean i’m still more fucked up than the rest. i mean i can’t not but compare myself with the rest of society.
i’ve wanted to drink almost every day since i stopped, some days more than others.
my suicidal thoughts and self-worth waxed and wanes, but overall i’m a lot better.
i was diagnosed with ptsd and went thru a 6 week IOP program last fall, which has helped immensely. but with over 45 years of shitass learned behavior, it is still going to be quite a long time til i’m really fit for public acceptance.
proud of you, k-wood and to that goofball jay.
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