30 Days and Counting...

This isn't the full story. Not yet.  However, each time I have posted about this Sober journey, I have had a new friend reach out to me in confidence to share they've been considering the same path of an alcohol-free life.  So this one's for you... those who've reached out and to those that may be asking themselves the same questions that were bouncing around in my mind for so long.

Today marks 30 days with no alcohol and I honest to goodness, no joke, not joshing ya in any way, am the happiest, lightest, joy filled person that I can ever remember being.  During the first week of December, I told people my goal was to go 30 days and figure it out from there, but the response never truly felt authentic.  Deep down inside I knew the decision in my heart was final... I am going the distance and never want to go back.  Why?  Here are the highlights from the first 30 days on everything I've already gained and lost along the way.....

Hmmm, where should we start?  Gains? Or do we kick out the bad?

Here's what I have LOST in the last 30 days living alcohol free (some of which I previously had no idea was even related to my drinking life):

• Crippling self-loathing and depression
• Anxiety
• Indigestion and heartburn
• Night sweats
• 13 POUNDS & 4 inches around my waist
• Acne and redness of my face
• Heart palpitations
• Cravings
• Fatigue
• Laziness / avoiding to-do's
• Regret and inner battles
• Hangovers and headaches
• Not remembering the night before
• Feeling like a disappointment

And, if it's even possible for things to get BETTER than that list of shit being kicked out the door.... this is the list of all the things sobriety has given me in the last 30 days:

• Childlike joy
• Giggles (last night Jay & I giggled over 'back-scratchers for 5 min. before falling asleep)
• A quiet mind
• Deeper connection with my husband
• Energy
• Confidence
• More $$ in my bank account for BIKES! (seriously, 5 weeks w/o wine = new dropper post, people!)
• Better sex
• Making memories
• Being 100% present at holiday gatherings, with family and friends
• Improved sense of smell and taste
• More time in the day
• ALL THE FEELINGS
• Clean house
• Cheaper tab at dinner
• To-do lists DONE 
• Books read, journal pages filled, blogs written, laundry folded, dishes washed, true connections, easier decision making, being a happy sober cab, running doesn't actually suck all that bad....
• Feeling lighter... free
• Smiling so friggin' big and real 

I mean seriously look at this girl!.....

Looking over these lists, it reaffirms what joy fills my heart and there's no doubt that this is the lifestyle for me to reach my truest potential.  I'm on fire!  And, surprisingly, it was easy.   Albeit, this wasn't the first attempt but my goal is for it to be my last.  

I want to give an amazingly heart-felt virtual hug and high-five to Jay who has been here for every struggle, effort and stumble... I would not have made it here without your undying support and unconditional love.  To my family who have given me support, both open and silently in the background, you are so important to me. To my friends who have loved and supported me, I'll still need ya every step of the way.. and to the universe for flooding my vision with podcast links, blogs, books (thank you, Annie Grace!) and Insta-posts... it has all come together at exactly the right time!  

Curious for yourself?  DM me, pull me aside at a race or party, call/text me... I'm here for ya!  Below are some of the most awesome tools/links I've found most useful in these last 30 days in case they can help even just one person who may need them.  

"There's nothing as unstoppable as a freight train full of fuck-yeah" - Jen Sincero

Headin' into 2020 light a freight train...

Kristy Kreme

Books:

"This Naked Mind" book and Podcast - Annie Grace

- also has a 30-day Alcohol-Free Experiment

Podcasts:

"This Naked Mind"

"Recovery Happy Hour"

"Sober Girl Society"

"Seltzer Squad"

"Recovery Elevator"

Winter Solstice and the Chalice of Change

According to Forever Conscious, "The Winter Solstice celebrates the longest hours of darkness or the rebirth of the Sun and is believed to hold a powerful energy for regeneration, renewal, and self-reflection."  Today also marks 21 days sober.

To back up a bit.. I joined some friends in participating in "Sober October" recently and made it maybe a total of 20 days before falling back into my regularly scheduled drinking program.  Quickly, I returned to my unhealthy love affair with wine and beer, slowly watching the positive affects of October melt away as the routine settled back in.... that's a suitcase to unpack on another day.  But something changed Thanksgiving weekend and I woke up on December 1st with no desire to drink alcohol.  It happened again on December 2nd and again on the 3rd, so I kept listening.

This morning, I woke with no hangover and have enjoyed my fresh-brewed coffee as I snuggle on the couch with my Start Today gratitude & goals journal and new read, "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace. In the silence, I am sitting here bathing in the gratitude of enjoying another booze-filled holiday party with no desire to drink alcohol, for the physical changes in my mind and body, and mostly the most fulfilling joy and energy this new chapter of my life has been bringing me.

Don't get me wrong... the last 21 days were not my darkest.  On the contrary, they have been filled with peace & light and the utter confidence that I have chosen the right path.  I have had many of those dark days this year.  Ones where I felt down for the count and wasn't sure if I was even going to try to get back up again.  Nights where the every tear felt as though pieces of my soul were dying under the weight of my pain.  

Today, however, the word jumping off the pages and slapping me across the face as I look internally is CONFIDENCE.  As far back as I can remember, I used alcohol as a way to "fit in" with the crowd. Even when I was sober for 3 1/2 yrs in my early 20's, I would occasionally show up to a house party with a 6-pack of O'Douls and tear the labels off.  The sad reality that I see now is that it never gave me the confidence I sought, only a false sense of belonging.

But in the last 21 days, I have felt confidence pulse through me in warm, forceful ways.  I have walked out of meetings feeling like a #BOSS lately, enjoyed sincere conversations with friends at parties and remembered every minute of it, I have felt like a caring partner to my husband and a patient parent to my fur baby.  Comparing that to the last few years of my life filled with self-loathing where I spent each morning obsessing over what a loser I was, a disappointment, that I didn't belong and that everyone would someday leave me...

The contrast is staggering.

So, I will rinse out my chalice, wipe off the red-wine-stained rim, top it off with some chilled Fresca and step into this day with my own personal mic drop.  

Hoisting the Chalice of Fresca up high, 

Kristy Kreme

SSUSA 2019 Ch 4 - Rocky Hill Ranch, Race Day and Derbies

Saturday morning came early and the first hangover since Sober October was a gross reminder of how hangovers and race mornings don't mix...

or do they?

We loaded up the van and headed to Rocky Hill Ranch, a private mountain bike venue where our singlespeed buddies were all gathering to play bikes for the day.  We had checked out most of the trails the day prior and were excited for the race ahead of us.  Kitted up in our full THC* regalia, Coach, Hwood and I prepped the bikes and gathered with our friends in anticipation of the start.

Chewy lined us all up with the "In it to Win it" crew on the line, and the partiers filled in behind us.  Jay had an instinct that they were gonna pull a reversal on us so he grabbed me and Jay Drasher (our bud from PA and 2018 Men's SSUSA champ) and we headed to the back of the pack.  Just as they were about to start the race, Chewy had everyone turn their bikes around just as Hwood expected and told us to wait for the dinner bell to start.  

As they clanged away on the metal triangle, everyone stayed put with the exception of a handful of us that paid attention.  There I was, sittin' in 5th place behind Hwood, Jay D., and two other guys off the start!  I looked over my shoulder as we entered the single track and found that we were GONE!  The see of single speeders in various costumes and get-ups were a significant ways back amidst the dust and we were haulin'.  The nervous anxiety hummed in my legs as I tried to gather my wits and hold onto the wheel in front of me.  The twisty first mile or so gave us a glimpse on the single-file river of riders behind us and I knew we maintained the gap but not enough to settle in yet.

I had the perfect gear for the course and the knee pain from the crash earlier in the week was non-existant either by chance or by adrenaline... but I took it either way.  At the first beer stop, I still led the women and maintained a top 10 position.  The hangover had not ebbed and the smell of beer was nauseating, so I topped off my bottle with water and headed back onto the course.  When I got to the next checkpoint, I still didn't feel better but now a voice bellowed from the back of my mind.... "What if you just kept going as fast as you can?... What if you won?".... so I kept going, kept attacking myself in the woods, kept pedaling turn after flowy turn.

Mother Nature had her fun with us, dropping a thick blanket of pine needles so densely over the trail that it disappeared at times.  You couldn't turn off your mind and rely on Jedi forces to get you through the farthest depths of the trail because it would disappear before you knew it, forcing me to put a foot down and look around, searching for some sign of where to pick it back up.  The fear crept into me and the sound of my wheels crushing the needles tricked me into hearing things that weren't there.  So, I kept pedaling.

As I took my last turn out of the single track and back onto the dirt road to the finish, I looked over my shoulder once more in disbelief.  I charged the finished and threw up my arms in excitement as I finished in 1st for the women in the race, and top 10 overall.  I've tried so hard to win the race every year and finally pulled it off!  It was the most amazing finish not only of the race, but to my best mountain bike season ever... and my day was made.  Jay was there at the finish to celebrate with me and the tension ebbed from all the weeks leading up to that day.  Now it was time to relax... but not until after being awarded one badass Armadillo as a trophy for winning the race! 

The partying commenced, filled with all the single speed antics one would expect... beer, bikes, hosting competitions, and derbies.   Jay Drasher and I took one last photo as the 2018 Champs with our champion's belts before the final derbies began.   

Crazy thing was, this year I was not worried about winning it.. I had already accomplished a huge goal that day and was bathing in the glory of my new buddy, Arnie the Armadillo.  When I put my foot down in the women's derby, I was smiling as I excited and watched as the final women fought for the belt.

For the after party, we headed back into Smithville to watch the teams battle for next year's hosting rights. Hwood joined Chewy and Spinner for the play-by-play on the Burning Bike Podcast as the riffraff dropped quarters out of their butt cheeks into pint glasses on the ground... "Texas Butt Darts"... it was a friggin' laugh-riot! (listen starting at 36:00ish minutes into the podcast to enjoy the hilarity of it all).

Following that in the podcast, I was interviewed along with 2012 women's SSUSA Champ, Kerry W., as we bonded over single speeding and partying' on bikes after burying some hatchets out in the lawn and finally getting to know each other after 6 years of spinning in the same circles.  Needless to say, it was long past due.

The locals were a ton of fun and the band of misfits drank beer well into the night.  As the crowd thinned and the temps dropped we headed back to our Air BnB to wind down and welcome the next chapter of our trip.

For months, part of me worried about how this day was going to go... we had done so much to prepare and plan for this road trip and race and so much could have gone wrong.  Luckily, it turned out to be one hell of a party on bikes and I couldn't have been more elated with the outcome. We got to ride a lot of awesome new trails we would probably never ridden otherwise and we connected with our favorite single speeders from around the country. It was exactly what I'd hoped it would be!

Rollin' with my homies!

Kristy Kreme