Over the last 7 months, I've accumulated a stack of post-it notes with blog content ideas that did nothing but collect dust. Like you, I've struggled at times to make sense of my thoughts, my emotions, my fucked up dreams let alone figure out what day it is. I change my clothes 3-4 times a day as I work from home.. day time jammies, mid-day workout attire, something I call "this could almost pass as street clothes" outfit before Jay comes home, and then straight back to my nighttime jammies after dinner.
However, as October has snuck back into our lives, so has my social feed filled with #SoberOctober posts that has really had me reflecting on the last year of my life and my choices.
Last fall, I set out to participate in #SoberOctober for the first time. For the most part, I was testing my hypothesis that alcohol was contributing to a growing depression within me. I made it some 20+ days, throwing in the towel at our annual Homey Fall Fun Fest towards the end of the month. Navigating the day, riding our single speed mountain bikes in costume on urban trails around town was somehow too clear w/ NA beer so I talked my husband into picking me up a six pack of beer on this way to meet us after his race. I struggled with the attention 'not drinking' brought me and I just wanted to let loose like everyone else. I stayed off the wagon for the rest of October and through November, but the experience on the ground was so much different than before.
The sparkle and luster of drinking had faded. That soft vignette of drinking wine by candlelight exposed itself as a dingy dark space filled with loneliness. I had seen the other side... the clear headed mornings, the anxious energy subsiding, the depression fading... it all made the once celebratory drinking now dull and sad. I wanted to take back the light in my life.
I chose sobriety on December 1st, 2019.
I made it through the holidays, through the loss of my mother in law, through flying and vacation, remodeling and selling our condo after 13+ years, buying a home; living amidst the social injustice, riots and looting in Minneapolis; turning 40 and, somehow, though the pandemic and physical isolation that comes with it. Sure, I would give anything to just go numb on some days but, where the general consensus indicates alcohol use and abuse it up almost unanimously, I imagine each day is adding to my super power. For every shitty week I've had, the fear of what's to come, every bottle of anti-bacterial solution I empty out into my palms, and every milestone that quietly passes... for every one I collect the day's strength (even if while found on my knees and with tears in my eyes), and I add it to my armor and head off to bed.
Last weekend, my sober calendar hit 300 days. I only told two people that it was here but I wore that badge on my heart like a beacon of light. Counting the days gives me a sense of pride I celebrate silently within myself and, if I am honest, at times use as a reason to reward myself with something new I wouldn't have done for myself before. Helloooo, online shopping!
But it's also an odd reminder that, for the first time in my life, I am struggling with my identity. Am I sober or alcohol-free? Am I 'in recovery' even if I don't attend meetings and never wound up in rehab? All I know is that I am happy and I can see parts of myself in each description and each book on sobriety I read. I fill my ears with podcasts and my time with adventures big and small...
I ride. I sew masks. We bought our first house.. so I decorate and tidy and vacuum and move things. I read. I bake and I bake and I bake. I eat raw cookie dough. I ride some more. Digital coupon-cutting on the Target Circle app is a competitive sport for me! I paint rooms and hallways. I do HIIT workouts. I have mastered a caulking gun. I fixed the toilet. I coach. I am growing plants and tell them how loved they are. I ride some more. I jump my bike off things (little things, but I am getting air!). I volunteer with the trail crew. I smell the flowers. I cook. But most importantly, I smile more.
Day One of Sober October 2019...
If you've been wondering if alcohol is having a negative impact on your life, if the constant unknown of the pandemic or the pending election has you overindulging, I recommend giving #SoberOctober a try. What was intended to be a 'just for now' choice really truly made me find a new door into a better life for me. If you have no sober network, I am here for you. If you DO have a sober network, I am here for you! Because the sober people in my life helped me and I am there for those of you who need it.
Now, I only hope I've enforced my armor enough to make it through the next 30+ days and the election...but that's a fear for another day.
Feeling strong in my sobriety,
Kristy Kreme
